hospital thoughts

What she specifically said isn’t important. How it was phrased is simply between us. Her motivation is her business.

It was a statement brought on by pain, heavy medication, maybe some fear and uncertainty. There could have been some remorse mixed in. But I’m not sure that’s the point either.

In 7+ years of knowing this lady, I’ve spent more time in hospitals than I care to think about…but never as a patient. I’ve caught myself fearing whether I’d survive without her, if something should go wrong. We’ve laughed together in hospitals. We’ve cried together. We’ve held each other and cried out to God for grace and mercy in hospitals. We’ve even snuggled together in a tiny patient-bed in a hospital.

But tonight was different.

We’d had visitors all day…and their love and concern was much appreciated. But after everyone went home, and it was just us, I pulled a chair beside the bed and just held her hand. She thanked ME for taking care of HER. Then, in her own self-deprecating way, she said what she said.

If you’d heard her, you’d think she believed that she walked into the hospital as one person, and a few hours later, she was someone else.

Now, I don’t claim to be able to imagine the changes she will undergo over the next days/weeks, nor how it will affect her mentally, emotionally, or physically. I do know it won’t be easy, and that I am totally unequipped to help her.

Anyway, the point is NOT what she said, how she said it, her motivation, nor my ability to understand what’s coming.

The point was my response…and my surprise at that response; the simplicity of it, and the depth of it's truth for me.

I said, “We knew this day was coming eventually. It was inevitable. Frankly, I’m surprised we got what we got. I mean, we are so blessed! God gave us 2 beautiful daughters, who just so happen to be miracles. The odds are astronomical against them even existing…but God reached past the statistics. TWICE. Life is about changing and adapting, and that’s all we can do now. This is just life. We just go on.”

It surprised me because I rarely say the right things. I hardly ever say things the right way. I am direct and blunt and only occasionally temper my words with the proper emotion. I think I got it right this time…but it was just my heart talking to hers.

I reinforced to myself today that I don’t love my wife. Rather, I am IN LOVE with her. As I sit here pecking away on my laptop while she sleeps uncomfortably in a hospital bed, I realize how desperately I need my rib…and how incomplete I’d be without her. It’s strange to think of the times I considered having found my rib before I met Christy.

I understand even better tonight that the fairy-tales we read as children don’t translate to the real world.

Real life is yucky sometimes. Real life is hard, often. It’s made up of many messy situations, failures, apologies, and the occasional victory or success.

Earlier, when she thanked me for taking care of her, I asked her “Where else would I be?” The truth is: I don’t want to think about where I’d be without her.

Chris, I’m glad that I could say what you needed to hear tonight. I’m even-more glad that what you needed to hear was the truth, straight from my heart. Thanks for taking this crazy journey with me. I don’t want to imagine it without you.

I love you.